Head-shakingly stupid injuries – and how to train in spite of your imbicilic self

Have you ever got so inebriated by two hours of unlimited prosecco that you end up waking up the day after in some cray ‘Memento’ scenario where the only way you can piece together all the parts of your Saturday night is to look at photos with vague captions and muddle together some obscure story about why your hand is currently twice the size of the other, blue and for the most part immobile?

Yeah, no, ha, me neither…

In other news, I injured my hand two Saturdays ago. Coincidence considering that previous thing, I know, right.

Spending two hours in A&E (with a guest appearance from Channel 4 requesting my featuring in one of its medical documentaries), the docs figured that it was a severe sprain to my thumb and some ligament tears (no breaks rejoice yay yadayada).

Prescripton: 3 – 4 weeks of wearing what looks like a gladiatorial wrist guard. In beige hemp. I am like, so en trend all the time rn.

Prognosis: should be cushdy with some rest and rehab.

Personally, perhaps it was just the alcohol still doing the rounds in my blood  stream, but I found this all highly amusing. Never had a black-out drunk injury story. That’s one for the grandkids!

But serious, I’m a fool. Who does this. Don’t drink that much. Idiot.

But what about dat fitness lyf doe?

Well, I’m allowed to train, on the proviso I don’t use my hand. ‘Woohoo, legs for dayzzz!’ I hear you cry.

Except I can’t hold a bar bell. Or dumbbells. Or put my hands flat. Or put my weight on my right hand.

THUS! I have decided to compile a short but hopefully helpful list of some of the exercises one can do in such a predicament. There’s probably loads more.

Disclaimer: If it hurts, stop. It’s not worth it. Value yo’self. You’re a goddess. A motherfucking unicorn. Don’t stand for that. Hashtag BAE.

Cardio

  • exercise bike
  • stepper
  • running (girl, don’t clench that fist though)

Core

  • ab bikes
  • planks (whilst on elbows)
  • sit ups
  • crunches
  • most variations of sit ups and crunches
  • russian twists (unweighted)
  • abdominal machine
  • back extension machine (potentially grip dependent)
  • leg raises (challenge: lift a stability ball with your legs in leg raise position!)
  • flutter kicks

Legs/ glutes

  • squats (unweighted) – to add an extra dimension, try: using a resistance band above the knee, pulsing while low, adjusting leg positions wider or closer
  • pistol squats (one legged squats – they nasty)
  • leg press (use both legs or one at a time!)
  • most leg machines tbf, but leave that squat rack the hell alone
  • donkey kicks (if your grips up to it, cable kick backs are also an option here)
  • hamstring curls (with a bit of yoga and determination you might be able to wedge a dumbbell in your knee crease for added resistance)
  • clams (use RB for BURNNNN)
  • bridges of all kinds
  • lunges (unweighted) – try different variations to tackle different muscle groups
  • step ups
  • jumping of all varieties, just don’t turn those plyometrics into burpees
  • wall sits

Arms

  • no.

And there we have it. A list of things. Should anyone ever find this with currently one functioning hand that isn’t me YOU ARE WELCOME.

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